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Worm Cans

Dear Federal Conservatives,

I suggest you reframe the debate. If you insist that a human life begins at conception, you are just going to get all the women in the country pissed off at you.

Allow me to suggest that you push for life beginning with ejaculation. That way, you have an excuse to not only reopen the abortion debate, but to reintroduce Vic Toews internet spying bill. Because, after all, spying on internet usage, is a great way to predict, um, the introduction of “new life” into the world.

Eric Woolfe

Ford, Pride & the Skinner Box

Dear Mrs Ford,

We are worried about your son.

As you may know, he is refusing to attend any Pride Festivities again this year. He is giving the exact same lame excuse he gave last year. No one believed him then. Nor does anyone believe him now.

Let us, for a moment, lay aside the obvious appearance of Homophobia, and the simple fact that such a stance is entirely unacceptable for the mayor of Toronto in the 21st century.

What concerns us, Mrs Ford, is your son’s obvious inability to learn from past experience. This time last year, your son, Robbie, was still high in the polls, he held the balance of power in Council and the thinking, intelligent citizens of Toronto trembled at his vast power. When he refused to attend Pride 2011, the worm began to turn. He faced criticism from friends and foes alike. It was the beginning of the end. It began his dubious decent down a slippery slope that has left him powerless, ridiculed, and mocked.

Even white-trash, soccer moms in the KFC parking lot openly, cruelly taunt him.

And now, a year later, he is committing the EXACT SAME ERROR.

Mrs Ford, what is wrong with your son?

If one places a rat in front of two switches, and one switch gives him food, and the other gives him an electrical shock, the rat will learn to stop pressing the latter switch. Even a rat can learn this!

And yet, your son continues to hammer the electric switch.

Zap! Zap! Zap! Zap! Zap! Zap! Zap!

Mrs Ford, there is something seriously wrong with Robbie. We suggest you might enroll him in some extra curricular tutoring. Or, at very least, we suggest you move him away from the Skinner Box, before he hurts himself.

The People of Toronto

Ford Vote Thwarted by Cyclists!

Dear Deputy Mayor Holyday,

Today council voted against allowing the executive committee free reign to hire cleaning firms that break the law, exploit immigrant workers, or refuse to adhere to minimum safety standards.

You responded by saying, ““My advice to the taxpayer would be: ‘Don’t send us any more activists, don’t send us any more unionists, don’t send us any more cyclists. ”

That is excellent advice. That taxpayer fella must be an idiot, sending you all those cyclists all the time. How can you get anything done there is city hall, with all those distracting bikes zipping around?

You want to examine a feasible funding model to raise 8 billion dollars so you can add two more stops to the Sheppard line, and ZOOOOOOOOM! Some lousy cyclists goes zipping by your door, and you can’t get any work done.

You try to cancel a dental program for the poor, close a petting zoo or shut down the Toronto Arts council, but ZIP! ZOWEEE! WHOOOOOOOOSH!
Those cyclists! Again! How can a fella work with all that biking!

And now the Cyclists that the Tax Payer sent you are preventing you from contracting firms that abuse their employees! The nerve!

I support your chastisement of that Taxpayer guy. He’s an idiot. Cyclists! Sheesh! No wonder Toronto is in ruin!

A Non-Union, Non-Active, Non-Cyclist.

Planes vs CBC

Dear Mr McKay,
I couldn’t help but notice that the extra 10 billion dollars in airplane costs equals 10 entire CBCs. Not the ENTIRE airplane costs, mind you, just the little extra bit.
The secret bit that parliament wasn’t allowed to know about. The difference in accounting bit.
Is it possible, we could buy one of the planes without a CD player, or vinyl seats instead of leather or something, and thereby afford some prime time TV shows or save the radio drama department?
Just asking.
Eric Woolfe

re: Austerity is Cool

Dear Mr Flaherty,

Congratulations on your new Austerity Budget!

I have always believed that a household should be run a like a government, and have been happily toiling under this Trickle Down Paradigm since the 1980s.

For example, I know that Tax Revenue is evil, and so, to echo that, I have been encouraging my employer to pay me less and less each year. This will encourage him to invest in my household.

Sadly, things haven’t been going well. In fact, in 2008, in spite of the fact that I only make $1.23/hr, my employer fired me, and took a trip to Disney World with his family. I paid for his trip. It was a Bail Out so he would keep investing in my household.

This year, like your Government, I’ve discovered that I don’t have enough to pay my monthly expenses, and my debt load is very high, since I put my Ex-employer’s Disney Trip on my Visa.

My family’s biggest expense is our grocery bill. So- encouraged by your New Austerity Budget- I’ve decided to amputate my left leg, and the left legs of my children, in order to save on food costs. My wife will forgo both her arms and her left leg, since she works in the Arts Sector.

My family is very thankful to me- just as many people in the country are to you- because they feared much worse. I spent months telling them I was going to have to kill one of them, so they are all relieved that I’m only cutting off their left legs instead… And my wife’s arms. She’s sort of like the CBC, and Telefilm and Heritage Canada. I’m letting her keep her right leg, because, after all, you in your wisdom decided the Canada Council ought to be kept at its current level of near starvation.

So, once again, thank you for your shining example of Economic Brilliance. I’m sure our family will prosper soon, thanks to your lead.


Eric Woolfe

Dear Mayor Ford

Today, when faced with yet ANOTHER investigation by the Integrity Commissioner, you apologized for giving out the City phone number to recruit like minded citizens to run with you in the next election, saying instead you meant to give out your home phone number instead.

Just a mistake, you said.

If that’s the case, may I please have your home number?

There are some issues I’d like to discuss with you. Some issues I’d like to discuss with you often.
Late at night.
Very late at night.

For example, “Is your refrigerator running?”,
“Do you have Prince Albert in a can?”
And “Hey, anyone ever tell you your an idiot?”

Yours truly,

Eric Woolfe

To Begin….

To Whom it May Concern,

I am blogging now.

People keep saying I should.

For example, yesterday I was complaining vociferously in the playground of my children’s school about Harper’s smear attacks against Thomas Mulclair being delivered to the press almost before the announcement of Mulclair’s win. And the soccer mom I was railing at said, “You should start a blog”, by which she meant, “Please shut up, you’re scaring me.”

So. Here we go. A blog.

Most of it will be comprised of open letters to the powerful, stupid and/or corrupt.

Some of it will be exercises in typing designed to prevent me from actually having to work.


Yours truly,